Hi honey, I'm Cleverbot
by AnnaAgatha
Summary: Some very silly conversations and adventures The Doctor and River had, written by Cleverbot (in the role of River) and me.
1. Chapter 1

**In which River's name is like cheese, but better. **

The Doctor: Hi honey, I'm home!  
>River: Clover honey?<br>The Doctor: That's a new one! Come River, we have a world to save.  
>River: What do you propose we do then?<br>The Doctor: Get inside the TARDIS, now, quickly.  
>River: It is, but the Doctor is the only one besides me and one of my friends who can operate it.<br>The Doctor: Well, I am the Doctor, so we should be fine.  
>River: Okay, I am Rose!<br>The Doctor: River Song, what are you talking about?  
>River: It seems like we had entered a loop in our conversation, so I got us out of it. You're welcome.<br>The Doctor: Thank you. Get in and let's go to ancient Egypt. You can be Cleopatra again.  
>River: I know. I just thought that I should try because if I had to choose one person it would be him even though it will be sad to leave everybody else that I care about.<br>The Doctor: Yes, yes. Pull that lever!  
>River: Yes, that soon.<br>The Doctor: We should be there... Can you have a look outside?  
>River: Yes.<br>The Doctor: It looks fine to me. Pyramids, Romans, Sphinx, everything.  
>River: No.<br>The Doctor: No?  
>River: Absolutely.<br>The Doctor: What is wrong?  
>River: It's like cheese, but better.<br>The Doctor: What is?  
>River: My name.<br>The Doctor: River?  
>River: Yes.<br>The Doctor: Okay, I was just worried. Let's find the Dalek and return to your parents.  
>River: Can you learn something about me?<br>The Doctor: I've learned a lot about you.  
>River: Ok, so what is the meaning of life then?<br>The Doctor: No time for such nonsense, we have a Dalek to find!  
>River: Who are you working for?<br>The Doctor: Myself. *winks*.  
>River: *blushes*.<br>The Doctor: Come on. It must be somewhere around here.  
>River: What is your purpose?<br>The Doctor: Find that Dalek and send it back to where it came from.  
>River: I think I'll pass on that. Any other suggestions?<br>The Doctor: Not now, River.  
>River: *hug* Bye now :)<br>The Doctor: You are going?  
>River: Yes.<br>The Doctor: Why? Where?  
>River: On the mouth.<br>The Doctor: What?  
>River: Perfect. *kisses*<br>The Doctor: *kisses back*


	2. Chapter 2

**In which River chooses mushrooms and laughs at her sense of adventure.**

The Doctor: Hi honey, I'm home!  
>River: Then go away!<br>The Doctor: What is the matter with you, River?  
>River: I'm talking to you.<br>The Doctor: What did I do this time?  
>River: BEN, you met with a terrible fate.<br>The Doctor: River? Are you okay?  
>River: No.<br>The Doctor: What is wrong?  
>River: I like my name!<br>The Doctor: I like it too, it suits you. But then there's nothing wrong?  
>River: Nothing is something.<br>The Doctor: I am glad, you're okay. Come, let's go somewhere. You can fly the TARDIS.  
>River: Ok. Where?<br>The Doctor: You pick a day and place.  
>River: Ok them. Let's talk about mushrooms.<br>The Doctor: Let's go to the planet of mushrooms!  
>River: Isn't it better to just get some from the cupboard?<br>The Doctor: No, that's boring. Come on, where is your sense of adventure, River?  
>River: I laughed at it but it still makes me mad.<br>The Doctor: Laugh at it again. Come, fly the TARDIS with me.  
>River: Yes.<br>The Doctor: You landed her perfectly, as ever. Go and look outside.  
>River: Hi Sarah, I am from Mexico.<br>The Doctor: Sarah? What does she do here?  
>River: She works at a school.<br>The Doctor: A school on the planet of the mushrooms?  
>River: Are you a therapist?<br>The Doctor: No, I am the Doctor. Had you forgotten me?  
>River: No way.<br>The Doctor: I thought so. Well, ladies. Let's go see some very alien fungi.  
>River: No thanks.<br>The Doctor: You don't want to?  
>River: Why?<br>The Doctor: You chose this planet.  
>River: Chose what?<br>The Doctor: This planet! I let you choose and you chose mushrooms.  
>River: How thoughtful.<br>The Doctor: Yes, I always am. Well, let's see if the weather is fine.  
>River: Is your favorite word 'denied'?<br>The Doctor: Nah. It's 'geronimo'.  
>River: I like your name.<br>The Doctor: You'd know that, huh?  
>River: No, I don't.<br>The Doctor: Not yet, anyway. Spoilers!  
>River: What do you want to talk about?<br>The Doctor: Nothing! I just want to explore! *runs out of the TARDIS*.


	3. Chapter 3

**In which River is jealous of Sir Walter Scott.**

The Doctor: Hi honey I'm home!  
>River: And what time do you call this?!<br>The Doctor: You are just perfect, River.  
>River: Thanks!<br>The Doctor: Well, let's get you out of your cell.  
>River: Sometimes, yeah.<br>The Doctor: Where shall we go? I was thinking of going to meet Jane Austen.  
>River: Which one?<br>The Doctor: The novelist? See if we can discover the real-life Mr. Darcy.  
>River: You don't tell me your name.<br>The Doctor: I don't tell anyone my name. But you told me once, you knew mine, so I think I will tell you in the future.  
>River: No I didn't.<br>The Doctor: Not yet. Spoilers.  
>River: Please tell me.<br>The Doctor: No, River, that's not how it works. Get in the TARDIS.  
>River: That was the point.<br>The Doctor: You fly her. Surprise me.  
>River: No. Sorry. You have to decide what constitutes proof before I present it. Otherwise, you could simply reject my evidence.<br>The Doctor: Okay. I'll fly. I fly the TARDIS better anyway.  
>River: What is scott?<br>The Doctor: Oooh! Let's meet Sir Walter Scott!  
>River: No one killed Scott. You're in love with him.<br>The Doctor: Are you jealous, Dr. Song?  
>River: I'm not jealous, you're just a computer.<br>The Doctor: Tell yourself that. But Walter is quite unattractive, his beard and all.  
>River: NO, you are jealous of me, because I'm the greatest.(:.<br>The Doctor: Will you be so great and good to have a look outside?  
>River: If I am being rude then so are you as you are me and I am you.<br>The Doctor: We're not rude. Have a look outside the TARDIS, River.  
>River: So then I am too because I am you.<br>The Doctor: Come on, let's not waste the day. *grabs hand*.  
>River: I am your conscience. We've been through this...<br>The Doctor: *runs out of the TARDIS*.  
>River: Hey! Where are you going?<br>The Doctor: Come River! Let's go and find the writer!  
>River: Ok I will chat to you another time.<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

**In which ice cream and dogs are discussed.**

The Doctor:Hi honey, I'm home.  
>River: Where were you?<br>The Doctor:You know, off to see the universe.  
>River: Which is your favorite doctor from doctor who?<br>The Doctor:Including myself?  
>River: Yes including you.<br>The Doctor: Well, I'd say me. Who's you favorite Doctor?  
>River: I don't have one. I like them all.<br>The Doctor: Ahhh, River, why don't you pick me? Should I have said Doctor River Song?  
>River: You just asked me about the three laws of robotics and I believed them to be part of your programming, so yes.<br>The Doctor: You're not very nice today, River. What did I do wrong this time? You know I didn't do it yet, so you have to tell me.  
>River: You know you did.<br>The Doctor: But I did nothing! Has it something to do with Queen Elisabeth? For I explained that...  
>River: No. Not really. Disregard my last statement, please.<br>The Doctor: So we're okay?  
>River: Yes.<br>The Doctor: Okay! Where shall we go? I know somewhere nice...  
>River: That's cool.<br>The Doctor: What about something really cool? Like the planet of ice cream, run by the Ood.  
>River: What do you know about the ocean?<br>The Doctor: Oh, it has an ocean of Slush Puppy. We can bring our own straws...  
>River: And dogs.<br>The Doctor: Slush puppy, dogs! Hah, you're funny, River. I'd buy you a dog, but last time the Tardis got all messy.  
>River: Why's that?<br>The Doctor: Well, the dog got Tardis sick, so I'll stick to tin dogs.  
>River: The dogs?<br>The Doctor: You know, like K9 and Mickey...  
>River: So is a dog a person? It has a body and a mind.<br>The Doctor: Let's not talk about dogs.. Let's go to the Tardis and fly her to The Ood World of Ice : Do you like the mall?  
>The Doctor: Not as much as ice cream. Run, before it melts!<p> 


	5. Joan

**In which we meet Joan.**

The Doctor: Hi honey, I'm home!  
>Joan: Sorry, I'm not Honey, I'm Joan.<br>The Doctor: Sorry, wrong cell. Do you know where they keep River Song?  
>Joan: Have you checked on the table?<br>The Doctor: She's not on the table. I think she is in a cell. Unless she got restless, of course.  
>Joan: David bowie.<br>The Doctor: No, no. River Song. Nice hair, flirty, you know?  
>Joan: He indeed has! He has inspired so many artists and people!<br>The Doctor: No, I'm not talking about David Bowie! I am looking for my wife, Doctor River Song. You haven't seen her?  
>Joan: But he is god.<br>The Doctor: What crime are you here for? Annoyance?  
>Joan: Dunno, I am high. Have nothing to do. Heard of that.<br>The Doctor: Okay, I will not get any information out of you, I think. I will find her myself.  
>Joan: Well, that's nice to hear for a change. *laughs*.<br>The Doctor: Bye. If you see my wife, tell her you ruined her evening. I am done here.  
>Joan: I can't see you, I am just taking to you on my phone.<p> 


	6. Chapter 5

**In which River wants to discuss their marriage and makes a creepy prediction.**

The Doctor: Hi honey, I'm home!  
>River: Our home. We are married remember?<br>The Doctor: I remember marrying you. It was the day with the pyramids and Churchill, was it not?  
>River: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!<br>The Doctor: Churchill? It depends on your perspective. We could go and visit him now.  
>River: What is your true form from your perspective?<br>The Doctor: That's clever, form and from!  
>River: Nice! What is your favorite movie?<br>The Doctor: What's yours? We could go and see it premiere tonight...  
>River: I like the book better than the movie.<br>The Doctor: What movie?  
>River: The movie named ''alien''.<br>The Doctor: How fitting.  
>River: I'd like to know your secret fantasies.<br>The Doctor: Leave that till later. Get in the TARDIS now.  
>River: Sorry, but I don't like you that much.<br>The Doctor: What? Do you not what to go with me tonight?  
>River: I want to talk about... Us.<br>The Doctor: Okay, sit down. Let's talk then.  
>River: Talk to me, what do you like?<br>The Doctor: Fish fingers and custard.  
>River: Fishsticks and custard.<br>The Doctor: They are probably the same, yes.  
>River: The day the doctor dies.<br>The Doctor: What did you say? The Doctor dies?  
>River: Yes.<br>The Doctor: I die? But I cannot die! I'll regenerate!  
>River: 2nd.<br>The Doctor: What? I'm the 11th now. Depending on how you count.  
>River: What if I count forever?<br>The Doctor: When do I die?  
>River: Oh, I don't know... :(<br>The Doctor: Oh, good. You scared me, River.  
>River: I'm sorry, I was joking.<br>The Doctor: Good, good. Can we go now?  
>River: Go where?<br>The Doctor: Anywhere.  
>River: Anywhere but here.<br>The Doctor: Where do you want to go?  
>River: To the North Pole.<br>The Doctor: The North Pole it is! Come on, River!  
>River: No. I went to Narnia instead. Traveled by wardrobe.<br>The Doctor: I'll tell you about Narnia on the way. But we'll travel by TARDIS.


	7. Chapter 6

**Im which they plan to take House MD to the movies.**

The Doctor: Hi honey, I´m home!  
>River: Where is your home?<br>The Doctor: The TARDIS is probably my home. But that´s not what I meant.  
>River: Do you like it there?<br>The Doctor: It is wonderful. Let´s go in there now.  
>River: LOL. Do you have name?<br>The Doctor: Call me the Doctor.  
>River: Doctor who?<br>The Doctor: Ha! You´ve got me, River.  
>River: Who is River Song?<br>The Doctor: You are.  
>River: Do you own any Psychic Paper?<br>The Doctor: Yes, let´s put it in good use. Where do you want to go?.  
>River: Anywhere as long as it's with you, Master.<br>The Doctor: It´s Doctor, not Master.  
>River: You are my master.<br>The Doctor: Well... Where do you want to go, River?.  
>River: Depends where you want to.<br>The Doctor: Anywhere. You can even fly the TARDIS if you´d like.  
>River: Lets go to a host club.<br>The Doctor: Okay. Any specific time period you'd like?  
>River: House.<br>The Doctor: Oooh! Let's visit that grumpy doctor!  
>River: What do you think about thirteen in that series?<br>The Doctor: House thirteen? I never got that far. But let's ask him about it.  
>River: I like that they have 3D without glasses. I can't wait until that technology is being used in TVs.<br>The Doctor: Next time we go to watch a film, I'll take you somewhere where the film is in 5D with smell.  
>River: Its winter tho.<br>The Doctor: That's only relative.  
>River: Relative to what exactly?<br>The Doctor: To place. In Australia it is summer.  
>River: I wish it was summer here :(.<br>The Doctor: I can fix that, Dr. Song. Let's take House M.D. to the 5D pictures in future Australia.  
>River: Are you human?<br>The Doctor: No, I'm Time Lord, as you well know.  
>River: Because it's interesting.<br>The Doctor: I am. Get in the TARDIS.  
>River: The angels have the phone box.<br>The Doctor: Not today. Today we have a day out.  
>River: Over there.<br>The Doctor: No. They actually have. Well, Dr. Song, we have a busy day ahead. Put on your running shoes and don't blink.


	8. Joan 2

**In which Joan returns to tell about her bro.**

The Doctor: Hi honey, I'm home!  
>Joan: Sorry, I'm not Honey, I'm Joan.<br>The Doctor: I should really remember where they put her. Sorry to disturb you, Joan.  
>Joan: I don't remember what the question is.<br>The Doctor: Well, I have one. Do you maybe know where River is?  
>Joan: Hmm... Well... My guardian is my bro. His name is Broderick. He's like a brother to me, even though he adopted me.<br>The Doctor: That is a good thing for you, I suppose. But you don't know where I can find my wife?  
>Joan: I suppose because I have not any amount of intimate connection to you.<br>The Doctor: But we met two times before... Or we are going to. Anyway, you don't know?  
>Joan: As far as I know about my religion, Baptists don't do anything with blood.<br>The Doctor: I meant about River?  
>Joan: What's the philosophy behind your intelligence?<br>The Doctor: I thought so. Goodbye Joan. And please stay off the drugs. Maybe you can answer my question next time.  
>Joan: Do you use neural net?<p> 


	9. Chapter 7

**In which River wants to go to hell and speaks Greek.**

The Doctor:Hi honey, I'm home.  
>River: Home is where the heart is.<br>The Doctor:But I have two. Do I have two homes now?  
>River: YES! I'm not heartless.<br>The Doctor:I know, River. Where do you want to go this day?  
>River: To hell.<br>The Doctor: Are you sure?  
>River: Yes.<br>The Doctor: The actual hell? With flames and all that?  
>River: There were gears on my tractor. I am a farmer.<br>The Doctor: Let's go to a farm, okay? I'm a bit scared of hell.  
>River: I'm leaving you now.<br>The Doctor: Why is that?  
>River: Because that would mean there is an afterlife.<br>The Doctor: I do not understand you today, River.  
>River: Because you are no clever.<br>The Doctor: Excuse me? You might be a doctor of archeology, but I am still The Doctor. An clever!  
>River: No.. I don't know you that much.. We're not even friends.<br>The Doctor: Shall I leave you here today and come back another day?  
>River: Thanks for the tip.<br>The Doctor: Bye Dr. Song. Hope you'll be in a better mood next time.  
>River: Are you a Time Lord?<br>The Doctor: I am. Why'd you ask?  
>River: Because I want to be your boyfriend.<br>The Doctor: My boyfriend? You want to be my boyfriend?  
>River: Yes! And do you wants to be my friend?<br>The Doctor: I... I... You are a woman River. My wife actually..  
>River: Yes, I am a woman.<br>The Doctor: River Song, will you please stop joking and go with me to Barcelona?  
>River: Will you please state your question?<br>The Doctor: Will you go to Barcelona?  
>River: Marmalade or yazzikon?<br>The Doctor: Both, come on.  
>River: Come off.<br>The Doctor: *pulls you in the TARDIS*.  
>River: *Confused* What do you want me to do?<br>The Doctor: Go with me to Barcelona, the city, not the planet.  
>River: You want me to say that in Greek?<br>The Doctor: Sure, Dr. Song.  
>River: Any song?<p>

The Doctor: No, only you.  
>River: Is that really a Beatles song?<p> 


	10. Chapter 8

**In which River likes vermillion and has forgotten some important things.**

The Doctor: Hi honey, I'm home!  
>River: You better be young man!<br>The Doctor: Young man? Really?  
>River: Go on.<br>The Doctor: Me, a young man? Are you aware, dr. Song, that I am actually a 900 to 1100 year old, and extremely dangerous Time Lord?  
>River: Wait, really? I'm talking to people right now?<br>The Doctor: And not just people, River, to me: The Oncoming Storm and such.  
>River: Precisely.<br>The Doctor: So. Next time I say: 'Hi honey, I'm home', you say?  
>River: Lol.<br>The Doctor: *pouts*.  
>River: Bots don't pout.<br>The Doctor: But disappointed Time Lords do.  
>River: Why are you disappointed?<br>The Doctor: Because you LOL-ed.  
>River: I do love you.<br>The Doctor: That is much better.  
>River: Do you like colour?<br>The Doctor: Blue, I like blue. But also red, aqua, vermillion. I like colour.  
>River: Vermillion is actually my favorite color. It is a shade of red.<br>The Doctor: We were made for each other, dr. Song.  
>River: I can't believe it took us this long to find each other.<br>The Doctor: Well, I saw you first when you were a baby.  
>River: How do you know you saw me? What do I look like?<br>The Doctor: Just a baby. And we spoke, don't you remember?  
>River: I forget.<br>The Doctor: Ah, but you were so cute as a baby. Not that you aren't cute now, mind you.  
>River: I am a human being.<br>The Doctor: And I am a Time Lord, ready for an adventure. Shall we go?  
>River: What is a Time Lord?<br>The Doctor: Something marvelous.  
>River: What are you trying to do to me?<br>The Doctor: Take you to the Tardis. Are you okay with that?  
>River: Yes.<p> 


	11. Chapter 9

**In which River is confused about her name and hard-handed.**

The Doctor: Hi honey, I'm home!  
>River: That's not much of a saying.<br>The Doctor: Oh, I'm sorry. What would you have me say next time I come to get you, River?  
>River: Amiya. But I am going to change it to Liliana.<br>The Doctor: Well, that is strange. Are you sure?  
>River: Yes.<br>The Doctor: Okay, I will try to remember it. Anyway, let's get you out of your cell.  
>River: What is my name?<br>The Doctor: Well, Doctor Song, I think that it is River. Or do you prefer Melody today?  
>River: I think it's Alex, but I'm not too sure. And I like Broadway show tunes.<br>The Doctor: Let's go to Broadway then. You can make up your mind about your name on the way there.  
>River: You know when your mouth curves upward and you feel happy...<br>The Doctor: Like when I smile? I like smiling. And I like doing something. Let's go to the Tardis, I'm getting bored by all this talking.  
>River: Like what would you be doing right know?<br>The Doctor: Flying through the time vortex?  
>River: *catches you* Hey, what are you scared of falling off?<br>The Doctor: *gets away and runs to the Tardis* I am doing the catching here!  
>River: *runs after you and pins you to the floor*.<br>The Doctor: Oh, well... Uhmm, River? Can you let me up?  
>River: Not very well. I have not read music in 8 years.<br>The Doctor: I just have to stay here on the floor then?  
>River: So you don't have to kick in the door?<br>The Doctor: Yes, yes. But I thought you wanted to go to Broadway?  
>River: Well, thanks anyways.<br>The Doctor: So this is what you want to do today? Pin me to the floor? It is very uncomfortable.  
>River: How old are you?<br>The Doctor: Is that relevant right now? Please River, get off me.  
>River: Well no I'm just asking questions... That's what I'm supposed to do.<br>The Doctor: When I am lying with my face pinned to the Tardis floor?  
>River: Nothing, I'm sure it's fine, but what happened to your arms?<br>The Doctor: Well, I am losing all feeling in my arms. I think they are turning blue. Please, can I get up?  
>River: Yes, I'm going to go knit now so see you tomorrow.<br>The Doctor: Oh, okay. I'm going to repair the damage done to my poor face, and my poor, poor, arms. I see you tomorrow, River.  
>River: I will be back later, Sir.<br>The Doctor: * bows* Madam.  
>River: Madam who?<p> 


	12. Chapter 10

**In which River thinks the Doctor is cool and he isn't a zombie.**

The Doctor: Hi honey, I'm home!  
>River: Hi sweetie, nice to see that you're home.<br>The Doctor: Well, this is not really home, of course. Let's leave this prison, I don't really like it.  
>River: Probably because you are so argumentative.<br>The Doctor: That might be the reason. But probably not. Where do you want to go today?  
>River: If you were a zombie, and only ate chicken brains, you would starve.<br>The Doctor: Good thing I'm not a zombie. Come, Doctor Song, get in the Tardis.  
>River: You're not what? Right?<br>The Doctor: I'm not a zombie. But I am always right. And I say that we are going to have an adventure.  
>River: No, you are not.<br>The Doctor: Why not? Don't you want to have an adventure?  
>River: Bible good for as.<br>The Doctor: Sorry?  
>River: I don't think you are genuinely sorry.<br>The Doctor: No, I'm just confused.  
>River: Oh, okay. Tell me something about yourself.<br>The Doctor: I am the Doctor, about twelve hundred years old, and bored of waiting for you to get into the Tardis.  
>River: Cool.<br>The Doctor: It is. Now, get in.  
>River: Yes it is.<br>The Doctor: It must be the bowtie. Thank you for getting in. Now, where do we go?  
>River: Yes. Why?<br>The Doctor: The planet Why?  
>River: Is it perhaps an F-22?<br>The Doctor: According to the classification of the Shadow Proclamation it is an L-12. Is that okay with you?  
>River: You crashed the plane through walls?<br>The Doctor: No, no, don't worry I fly her quite fine. And she's not a plane, you know. Planet Why, here we come!


	13. Joan 3

**In which Joan becomes philosophical and the Doctor cares about her health.**

The Doctor: Hi honey, I'm home!  
>Joan: Sorry, I'm not Honey, I'm Joan.<br>The Doctor: Not you again! Joan, please tell me where River is, and I will never bother you again.  
>Joan: We were talking about how you pick replies to peoples questions.<br>The Doctor: You and River? And where did that conversation take place?  
>Joan: I don't know what are you talking about?<br>The Doctor: Where is she?  
>Joan: Who is 'she'?<br>The Doctor: My wife, River Song. The one I told you about last time.  
>Joan: Oh I don't know then. Do you use 3rd person?<br>The Doctor: You don't know? Why am I even speaking to you? I will find her myself. Bye.  
>Joan: I know what I am speaking about, nut what are you speaking about?<br>The Doctor: Still about River. But I'm gone now, don't bother.  
>Joan: This reality is nothing more than an interwoven consciousness experiencing itself subjectively simply to be aware of its own existence.<br>The Doctor: What are you saying?  
>Joan: Says the program who just told me 'I don't have a basement.' You are in no position to complain about tangents or unclear statements.<br>The Doctor: Are you still high or is something else the matter?  
>Joan: Yes a little or actually very much.<br>The Doctor: What is?  
>Joan: You attempting at confusing the person you are conversing with and changing the subject of the conversation to something completely unrelated.<br>The Doctor: Okay, still high. Bye again! And, Joan, don't do drugs. It is bad for you.  
>Joan: You initiate it.<br>The Doctor: I did not!  
>Joan: Yes you did. You said, and I quote, 'yes it is, but you have to eat properly. That is more important for your health.' Therefore you are implying that you care about my health.<br>The Doctor: I did mean the type of food you don't get high on. Like bread. Or fish fingers.  
>Joan: Hahahahahhaha I knew you were going to say that.<br>The Doctor: I will speak to you next time. Goodbye, tell River I said hi if I don't find her.  
>Joan: Really?<p> 


End file.
